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Poetry by Hashae

Stories, Fanfics, Poetry, and comics by MewmoonDeathneko


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Submitted on
May 10
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Sta.sh Writer
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(Contains: violence/gore)
Lay me on my death bed.
Open for all to see.

So they may see what destruction has been done to me.

Slashed throat, hues of red, stain my crisp clean, perfect white dress.
I am merely a corpse, an empty shell that was once life.

May these flowers, black as ash, cover my dead body.
Cast these somber tulips upon my demise.

You may all cry for me now; but were you ever there before?

My pleas of life were never heard,

My fatal plan undeterred.

It's funny how no one will listen,

until you've finally gone.

In short, I was not in a good, happy mood when I wrote this.
I usually am not when I write stuff like this.

So please, no silliness or happy snuggly comments.

I just can't handle more pain and being lifted up for nothing.

Not when I already know my happiness will be feigned and die away, as it usually does.

This is about a girl who commits suicide by slashing her own throat.

Her family and friends are all at her funeral, casting black flowers upon her corpse; mourning, and wishing they had her back again.

But they don't notice that as they are all doing this, her soul is somewhere nearby watching them.

As her soul contemplates to her self how she finds it odd they never listened to her before, yet all seem to care when she's dead and gone away.
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
For one, I would suggest putting a mature content warning on this because the slashed throat is rather graphic.

This line is the main one I want to talk about: "Slashed throat, hues of red, stain my crisp clean, perfect white dress." I don't think it's necessary to say "crisp clean perfect white dress" all in the same phrase, merely because it's a little redundant. How you would want to rephrase it is up to you...but I was thinking you could go with "crisp white dress" (because the word crisp suggests that it's already perfect), or "perfect white dress."

I would also probably suggest breaking this into more lines, just for the sake of flow. I'll give you an example of what I might do:
"
Slashed throat, hues of red, stain
my crisp white dress. I am
merely a corpse, an empty shell
that was once life."

I feel like breaking up the lines like that improves the flow and lets you determine which words are going to have the most impact. So however you would want to rework it, I think breaking up the lines would help.

Hope this helps! :) I feel like this poem has a great deal of potential.

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:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah, I've been meaning to do that :\
Though this was somewhat a vent and I guess I forgot about it ^^;

Ahh, I see, that does actually sound much better :)

Thank you XD

I admit, it's not as well as some of my other poetry, but I think the reason it didn't reach the potential I had hoped it would was because I mostly wrote this more in anger rather than in true emotion and clear thought out, well written plans.

Thank you so much, your critiques have truly helped me out with my writings, thank you! :hug:
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes the best poetry comes out of strong feelings though. My best poems usually do, anyway. I really did like the imagery in this. :)
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:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you very much :)

you know, ever since I began my creative writing class in school, I've been trying to progress my writing and just learning how to put my thoughts out on paper before they escape me.

that is the key point to learning how to be an excellent writer.
Don't stop and edit.

Just power through and let those thoughts out! :)
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:iconanjali25:
Anjali25 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014   Traditional Artist
This is beautifully written, and very captivating.
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:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
thank you very much :)
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:icondarkusadalisk:
darkusadalisk Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My gosh.....its for texts like this i still have hope in human kind.never seen such kind of point of view,but it is right.until you loose someone,you never notice it was important to you.if someday i die,persons that hated me while alive will be at my funeral,wishing me back again.you may hate someone,but deep inside,you always loved it.this happened a thousand times in my life.
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:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
...I'm afraid I don't understand what you're saying.
Reply
:icondarkusadalisk:
darkusadalisk Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
i am saying this is an odd point of view,but at the same time´s a truth.(forget it,i should mention i am pretty random sometimes.so,if i act like this,just ignore it.accept as a compliment.)
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:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Oh, alright ^^;
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