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Submitted on
May 10, 2014
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(Contains: violence/gore)
Lay me on my death bed.
Open for all to see.

So they may see what destruction has been done to me.

Slashed throat, hues of red, stain my crisp clean, perfect white dress.
I am merely a corpse, an empty shell that was once life.

May these flowers, black as ash, cover my dead body.
Cast these somber tulips upon my demise.

You may all cry for me now; but were you ever there before?

My pleas of life were never heard,

My fatal plan undeterred.

It's funny how no one will listen,

until you've finally gone.

In short, I was not in a good, happy mood when I wrote this.
I usually am not when I write stuff like this.

So please, no silliness or happy snuggly comments.

I just can't handle more pain and being lifted up for nothing.

Not when I already know my happiness will be feigned and die away, as it usually does.

This is about a girl who commits suicide by slashing her own throat.

Her family and friends are all at her funeral, casting black flowers upon her corpse; mourning, and wishing they had her back again.

But they don't notice that as they are all doing this, her soul is somewhere nearby watching them.

As her soul contemplates to her self how she finds it odd they never listened to her before, yet all seem to care when she's dead and gone away.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
For one, I would suggest putting a mature content warning on this because the slashed throat is rather graphic.

This line is the main one I want to talk about: "Slashed throat, hues of red, stain my crisp clean, perfect white dress." I don't think it's necessary to say "crisp clean perfect white dress" all in the same phrase, merely because it's a little redundant. How you would want to rephrase it is up to you...but I was thinking you could go with "crisp white dress" (because the word crisp suggests that it's already perfect), or "perfect white dress."

I would also probably suggest breaking this into more lines, just for the sake of flow. I'll give you an example of what I might do:
"
Slashed throat, hues of red, stain
my crisp white dress. I am
merely a corpse, an empty shell
that was once life."

I feel like breaking up the lines like that improves the flow and lets you determine which words are going to have the most impact. So however you would want to rework it, I think breaking up the lines would help.

Hope this helps! :) I feel like this poem has a great deal of potential.

Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah, I've been meaning to do that :\
Though this was somewhat a vent and I guess I forgot about it ^^;

Ahh, I see, that does actually sound much better :)

Thank you XD

I admit, it's not as well as some of my other poetry, but I think the reason it didn't reach the potential I had hoped it would was because I mostly wrote this more in anger rather than in true emotion and clear thought out, well written plans.

Thank you so much, your critiques have truly helped me out with my writings, thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes the best poetry comes out of strong feelings though. My best poems usually do, anyway. I really did like the imagery in this. :)
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you very much :)

you know, ever since I began my creative writing class in school, I've been trying to progress my writing and just learning how to put my thoughts out on paper before they escape me.

that is the key point to learning how to be an excellent writer.
Don't stop and edit.

Just power through and let those thoughts out! :)
Reply
:iconanjali25:
Anjali25 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014   Traditional Artist
This is beautifully written, and very captivating.
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
thank you very much :)
Reply
:icondarkusadalisk:
darkusadalisk Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My gosh.....its for texts like this i still have hope in human kind.never seen such kind of point of view,but it is right.until you loose someone,you never notice it was important to you.if someday i die,persons that hated me while alive will be at my funeral,wishing me back again.you may hate someone,but deep inside,you always loved it.this happened a thousand times in my life.
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
...I'm afraid I don't understand what you're saying.
Reply
:icondarkusadalisk:
darkusadalisk Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
i am saying this is an odd point of view,but at the same time´s a truth.(forget it,i should mention i am pretty random sometimes.so,if i act like this,just ignore it.accept as a compliment.)
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Oh, alright ^^;
Reply
:icongman1255:
GMan1255 Featured By Owner May 13, 2014   Writer
:iconsadhugplz:
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks :/
Reply
:icontigurz:
Tigurz Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
It's odd how people are, yeah?
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah, I guess :/
Reply
:iconmsgeeknerd:
MsGeekNerd Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes but sometimes we do listen but it's never enough....
like my friend who used to cut would always say that no one cared about her. I told her that I cared. She said I was only one person.
the thing about depression is that one you pass a certain point it doesn't really matter if everyone in the world cares about you, either you don't see it, you don't care, or you think they're lying.
I do try to listen to you and make you happy :) but then again I'm just a silly person on the Internet who thinks that live isn't worthless. Ah well.
Reply
:iconilovewheatley:
ilovewheatley Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
One of the saddest things is at the point of suicide some people aren't sad, they are happy. Because they know it won't hurt anymore. 
Reply
:iconypoolnipop:
ypoolnipop Featured By Owner May 10, 2014
No happy comments? Then how about a simple "You can tell me anything, ok? If you need me, I'm here."
Suicide and cutting are things some of my best friends do often. Every day, there will be a new slash mark on an arm or another friend gone from my life. Please, be careful, ok? Take good care of yourself. Enough care to make up for all the care that isn't given to you. I'll try to do the same for you so it's easier.
Reply
:iconmetroidfannumber2:
metroidfannumber2 Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Is this from something? It sounds familiar. You do have a way with words. I could imagine you at that funeral in that white dress and feeling sad for you. And also feeling bad for only now showing sympathy.
Reply
:iconthefierydeath:
thefierydeath Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
funny when you're dead
how people start listenin'.

-The Band Perry
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
That song LITERALLY describes my life :stare:
Reply
:iconthefierydeath:
thefierydeath Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol that face tho
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
XD yeah, I guess that face is funny.

Along with this:

:icongrinstareplz:
Reply
:iconthefierydeath:
thefierydeath Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Mwahaha
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
:iconevilplz:
Reply
:iconhashae:
Hashae Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That's why I fail to understand the meaning of happiness when it always taken away from me. So i gave up on that feeling knowing that I'll never find it at this rate. I am sorry for the lost soul that is now in a better place than this cruel world. I hate the world at times like this.
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
yeah :\
Reply
:iconhashae:
Hashae Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey are you feeling any better?
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
no
Reply
:iconreunettue:
Reunettue Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
i'm finding this sad
people don't care about you til your dead
the people who made fun of you your whole life cry and mourn over you
and even though on the outside they may be shedding tears all over,deep enough inside they wanted this to happen in the first place
sometimes it's expected sometimes it isn't
apparently it all depends on the person
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Sometimes, the bullies aren't people who care.

They use your death as some sort of joke.

Like this boy I read about who committed suicide due to a personal issue he had.

When his bullies found out, literally they all were at this school dance where they mentioned his name and started laughing and making dead jokes about him.
Reply
:iconreunettue:
Reunettue Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
since when was it ok to laugh and joke about someone commiting suicide due to some issue they had?!

now i bet if it was them nobody would be laughing at them
no,everyone would be crying and mourning for days,weeks,perhaps months on end
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
if what was them?
Reply
:iconreunettue:
Reunettue Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
if they had the same issue happen to them and they ended up commiting suicide as well
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
The boy committed suicide because of his sexual orientation.

He was bisexual *I think*, and people kept teasing him about it.

Even Lady Gaga sung a song dedicated to him because she was so upset.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_…
Reply
:iconreunettue:
Reunettue Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
what the fuck is wrong with those people?!
they bully someone just because they're sex orientation or personality?!that makes no fuckin sense!

and at least he had to courage to admit it!so i really don't understand the point of bullying him about it!
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Idk.

People are sick twisted bastards.

Anyways, seeing so many people commenting on this poem, I think I may make a drawing correlating to this literature.

What do you think?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconthenaughtymutt:
TheNaughtyMutt Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Photographer
Please, don't ever think of harming yourself.
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I try not to, but the thought is alkeays recurring.

I've given up on resistingh the idea
Reply
:iconthenaughtymutt:
TheNaughtyMutt Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Photographer
There is nothing better about doing that compared to living your life now, harm free.

I don't want to see another one of my friends tumbling down hill because they've given up on themselves. 
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
you've lost a friend to suicide before?
Reply
:iconthenaughtymutt:
TheNaughtyMutt Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Photographer
Not suicide but self harm. She is still alive but since she moved away, she's rejected all people who were close to her. It broke my heart. ):
Reply
:icontheice-sorceress:
TheIce-Sorceress Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I'm sorry to hear that :(

My friends hide all their self harm cuts.

One friend even joked about hers, whih really made me angry.
Reply
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